"What Do Yuh Know I'm Psychic!"

Yes,I know, hard to believe, but it's true; I was born with THE gift and before you ask, no, I don't do weddings, birthdays, confirmations or Bar Mitzvahs; however, I wouldn't turn down Oprah if she came uh callin'.

And don't ask me for lottery numbers or when you're going to meet the man or girl of your dreams; there's no cheapening of my talent happening here!

For the most part,sorry, but ye laymen don't understand. Serving a higher purpose is far more difficult than it appears. The ability to see the future ascends from the deepest recesses of my soul.

There's no turning my "gift" on and off, and there's no telling when it will appear.

Last week, for example, I was in line at the grocery store and had just loaded all my groceries on to the conveyor belt, when the cashier gave the man ahead of me his total. The man then reached into his pocket for his wallet and WHAM! it hit me - out of nowhere really, this overwhelming sense of "knowing" came upon me, and I knew, I just knew in that moment, I'd known before him that he'd come to Ralph's to buy groceries because why else would he be standing there without money or ATM card in-hand as his items were scanned and bagged?

Hard to believe, amazing even, that I knew before him but, obviously, there's no denying I have the "gift".

And then just the other day, I was on the freeway headed to work when the drivers ahead of me, like Moses parting the Red Sea, were changing lanes. As I came up behind the much slower, moving car, once again, WHAM! It hit me, and I just knew the driver was talking on the phone and, sure enough, I was right!

Good thing for me, when I have one of my higher consciousness moments, my eyes don't roll into the back of my head, because then my "gift" would be far more noticeable to the general public and then reality TV would be beggin' me to do a show and then I'd become this mega-celebrity who could no longer casually go into Ralph's and be wowed by my own, magnificent gift.

I'm a humble man.