Monday, January 11, 2010

"It's better to be an authentic loser than a false success, and to die alive than to live dead". William Markiewicz

Wow, stumbled upon the above quote this morning, and it jumped off the screen and almost bit me; it says so much in so few words - a technique I have yet to master.

Growing up, I really can't think of any one person who inspired me. The closest I can come is a biology professor, in college, telling me I was very smart but just needed to apply myself more. Imagine that...me smart? Here I was 20 or 21 and for the first time in my life someone told me I was smart. Had I been able to see myself in a mirror in that moment, the look on my face would have been, at the very least, quizzical.

For the most part, I was surrounded by people who, as it now appears to me, were not living their dreams unless you count working at a job as opposed to following one's passion and raising a family and having a house in the suburbs as living the dream. And that's not to say there's anything wrong with that lifestyle, but I question whether it truly was the dream or was it just doing what they believed society and their culture wanted them to do?

Were their lives a false success?

TV. I watched a lot of TV and found myself caught-up in how other people lived their lives. I especially enjoyed prime-time shows like "Bewitched" and "I Dream of Jeannie" or "The Flying Nun", because Samantha and Jeannie had magical powers and Sister Bertrille could FLY!

On Saturday mornings, I liked the Fantastic Four and Ghost Ranger cartoons because they, too, possessed powers - more super-human than magical in this venue, but the good always conquered over evil.

These people - these characters were my inspiration. I now know I was inspired by their power to alter, change and ultimately control their immediate circumstances. Even more so, I admired their having found their gift in life - their purpose. At 51, I'm still looking for mine.

That's not to say I'm unaware of who I am. I do know I'm a smart, funny, compassionate, sincere, caring, fun-loving and at times, dramatic person, who has the ability to connect with a wide variety of people, but I'm still looking for the best venue - best career representation of my soul.

Not that I need any golden or crystal statues, but when I watch any one of the myriad of awards shows filling the airwaves, I find my heartstrings most pulled when I hear someone say, I'm so grateful and extremely fortunate to be able to do what I love to do and get paid for it.

Looking and listening. I'm still here in hopes of one day being able to say the same.

In the interim, I'd much rather be an authentic loser than a false success living my life alive rather than dead feeling every failure and every success, equally, along the way, growing stronger, wiser filled with more love for myself and those around me.

Being alive is good.