" All people have their friend and their enemy within themselves". Costarican proverb

Wow, talk about making me accountable, geesh! Becoming one's own friend - not an easy thing to do. Lord, I'm 51 and still working on it! Guess that's what makes us human. And just when I think I've got it down - all my demons have been exorcised and all the toxic people have been extracted from my life - darn, if more don't show-up. Luckily, though, age brings wisdom so I'm a little bit quicker on the draw when it comes to spotting those little, demon buggers and thank god because at my age, I also tire more quickly. No, not physically, shit, I feel incredible. Psychologically, emotionally, spiritually it's incredibly draining to beat one's self up and even more so when an outsider steps in and tries to do the same thing.

Anger, frustration, guilt, disapproval of self - don't wanna go there. I used to take it all in. Someone would accuse me of having done something to them - wait, what do I mean "would accuse". I currently have a 13-year-old living inside the body of a 35-year-old co-worker whose made me out to be her anti-Christ. Believe me, not a good decision on her part, because I'm over allowing others to make me out to be the problem when the problem is really their low self-esteem and ill mental health. And that's not to say I don't have empathy for this person, because I do. I have a very open heart; I'm just no longer willing to be abused.

A friend. I'm far more willing to be my own friend and in doing so, I can actually be a better "friend" to her if I deflect her psychological and emotional problems tossing them back in her direction, because there's no way she'll ever have to look at them and accept them as her own if I or others are allow ourselves to be accountable for her.

It takes a lot of time and energy to become one's own best friend leaving little time and room to be someone else's anti-Christ.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

"Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life - Facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, discovering our own unique potential". John Amatt

When I first read this quote, I could literally hear the word, YES, screaming from inside my head. Yes, because it makes such sense. Life is incredibly short and, not to mention, a great gift and while I can't say I have always consciously subscribed to living an adventurous life seeking new opportunities and challenges, many times I did so unknowingly. Even today, I don't go all willy nilly wild without thinking things through unless, of course, I'm feeling really emotional or ticked off about something cuz then all bets are off; however, on the norm, what appears to be a quick decision to others is really something I've mulled over in my mind for quite some time and didn't necessarily share the thought process with others so it ends up looking as though I've made a rash decision.

Believe me, no one more than I is more surprised by some of the things I do like moving to California 22 years ago with nothing more than $800 to my name, and a 15-year-old VW bug. And then there's taking my first trip to Europe 9 days after September 11th or running my first marathon just shy of my 47th birthday.

Fat dumb and happy. That's what I've been each and every time I've taken a risk, meaning, I've been quite complacent with where I am at the time...maybe too much so and maybe that's why I feel the need to rattle the cage.

I'm headed to Spain next month with my friend, Micheal; told him what traveling does for me is re-affirm my ability to take care of myself and within that ability to care for myself is the ability to trust others and in that instance, trust life - my life...all life. Each and everyone of us has a history and stories to tell. Each and everyone of us on a daily basis, is attempting to love ourselves, love others and be loved in return all the while trying to put food on our table and keep a roof over our head. To challenge ourselves, is to know we're alive and part of that process.

To obtain a joyful life taking risks and opening ourselves up to new challenges, doesn't just rattle our own cage; it also rattles the cages of our loved ones. And while this may potentially be disruptive or unsettling to them - their lives - this does not mean we stop living ours. Yes, change concerning others may lead to a few battles, but first, we need be sure enough of ourselves to be willing to fight.

Choose wisely.

Friday, January 14th, 2010

"I can be very polite, but I've found that doesn't always get a result. You have got to bang and thump tables". Joy Baluch

This quote reminded me of my three-strike rule. What?, you ask, is the three-strike rule?

Well, it's like this. I used to be a people pleaser, meaning, I did anything and everything for others. I didn't love and nurture myself enough to say no. I was needy with the self-esteem of a gnat so, behaviorally speaking, I became a door mat. Ultimately, this was a bad decision on my part and because it hadn't been a conscious, legitimate, well-informed choice, it was a tough behavior to break and not only because it had become solidified behavior but, also, on the inside, I was born a nurturing and caring person so there was this twitchy, little thing that happened when I tried to say the word, "no". A struggle between the forces of good and evil. "Yes, good; no, bad".

I mean, really, thinking of myself first was so against who I had taught myself to be, you would've thought I had a speech impediment or something with my mouth and tongue all twisted together like they were one as I tried to change the "yes" coming out of my mouth into a "no".

Since having the three-strike rule in place; however, if I say yes when I really would rather say no, nowadays, my teeth just feel a little fuzzy.

Three strike rule. First, I am in no way a sports enthusiast. Not that sports are a bad thing - they're just not my thing. I like physical exercise to the point of having completed 4 marathons along with a slew of half-marathons with a few 5ks and 10ks here and there just for fun as well as teaching and doing yoga.

Inasmuch as I am not a sports person, I have, however, borrowed the three strikes and you're out rule from baseball when it comes to monitoring my behavior as related to how I let people treat me. Having done so, resulted in my ability to be a much better person, overall, to Larry.

Here's the way I see it. You do treat me like crap once, and I turn the other way. Could be you're just having a bad day or something in your life is stressing you out or weighing you down. Treat me like crap, in the same way, a second time and now my ears are perked up. Could be you're still involved in some sort of learning curve, and assuming I care about you enough, will engage you in a conversation for investigative purposes. You treat me like crap the third time, and you're' OUT - I'm done because, by my estimation, your behavior is chronic and patterned so it's time for you to go buh-to-the-bye BYE BYE!

And that's not to say I've totally shut the door on you but if I do choose to open it again, the door will be opened slowly with the chain guard on.

Monday, January 11, 2010

"It's better to be an authentic loser than a false success, and to die alive than to live dead". William Markiewicz

Wow, stumbled upon the above quote this morning, and it jumped off the screen and almost bit me; it says so much in so few words - a technique I have yet to master.

Growing up, I really can't think of any one person who inspired me. The closest I can come is a biology professor, in college, telling me I was very smart but just needed to apply myself more. Imagine that...me smart? Here I was 20 or 21 and for the first time in my life someone told me I was smart. Had I been able to see myself in a mirror in that moment, the look on my face would have been, at the very least, quizzical.

For the most part, I was surrounded by people who, as it now appears to me, were not living their dreams unless you count working at a job as opposed to following one's passion and raising a family and having a house in the suburbs as living the dream. And that's not to say there's anything wrong with that lifestyle, but I question whether it truly was the dream or was it just doing what they believed society and their culture wanted them to do?

Were their lives a false success?

TV. I watched a lot of TV and found myself caught-up in how other people lived their lives. I especially enjoyed prime-time shows like "Bewitched" and "I Dream of Jeannie" or "The Flying Nun", because Samantha and Jeannie had magical powers and Sister Bertrille could FLY!

On Saturday mornings, I liked the Fantastic Four and Ghost Ranger cartoons because they, too, possessed powers - more super-human than magical in this venue, but the good always conquered over evil.

These people - these characters were my inspiration. I now know I was inspired by their power to alter, change and ultimately control their immediate circumstances. Even more so, I admired their having found their gift in life - their purpose. At 51, I'm still looking for mine.

That's not to say I'm unaware of who I am. I do know I'm a smart, funny, compassionate, sincere, caring, fun-loving and at times, dramatic person, who has the ability to connect with a wide variety of people, but I'm still looking for the best venue - best career representation of my soul.

Not that I need any golden or crystal statues, but when I watch any one of the myriad of awards shows filling the airwaves, I find my heartstrings most pulled when I hear someone say, I'm so grateful and extremely fortunate to be able to do what I love to do and get paid for it.

Looking and listening. I'm still here in hopes of one day being able to say the same.

In the interim, I'd much rather be an authentic loser than a false success living my life alive rather than dead feeling every failure and every success, equally, along the way, growing stronger, wiser filled with more love for myself and those around me.

Being alive is good.

"Obstacles are those things you see when you take your eyes off the goal". Hannah More

Wow, ain't that the truth. This one hit me pretty hard. My goal for something, like, forever, has been to write a book or two. Got some great ideas and even have the beginnings of a few chapters down on paper, so to speak, but I totally procrastinate continually finding other things to occupy my writing time, and it's not that those things taking me away from writing are not viable and productive; it's just that I give up allowing them to become obstacles on the road to the goal.

The great thing, however, is that I continually come back to my having run 4 marathons and a whole bunch of half-marathons realizing I'm not a quitter knowing it is possible for me to complete something I started. What seems to be the common denominator in my goal reaching process is believing it's the "right" time for it, all the while knowing there really is no "right" time other than right now. Now is the time and if I'm somehow avoiding a goal allowing myself to be distracted, then there's something I need to be working on to make it happen. I need to get out of my own way and not be the major obstacle to my continued growth and success as a viable entity and contributory human being in this the world I live in.

My, small goal for 2010, is to randomly choose several quotes per week from my Facebook page and post them here on my blog as well as on Facebook in hopes of this turning into a book someday. I would like to invite others along in the process asking you to share your thoughts on what the quote I'm commenting on means to you...why it touched you.

The big goal is creating, sharing and reaching out to others developing a community of thoughtful support and while not anonymous, many of you are strangers to one another and sometimes, in life, strangers make the best teachers.

The big, big goal is turning the results into a book believing, collectively, what we have to say and share will have the power to affect change in the lives of complete strangers. A quote is a quote and they're great things; however, for me, there is nothing greater than personal exposure and the sharing of one's life stories. Where others have been is a great path to the future, and I truly believe hearing what others have to say is a great way to learn about ourselves.

Come along and join my on this journey!